You can catch up on the rest of the Mommy, Come Home series here.
Families make the decision for Mom to stay home for many reasons. For Susie, her children weren’t the only ones who needed her. Read on…
I was working a job that I absolutely hated. It was bad for my self-esteem and bad for my spirit but it was a paycheck that we needed. When I got pregnant with my youngest, neither one of us could stand having her in daycare. It was clear that one of us would have to stay home. Since my husband made more and I already hated my job, I volunteered to do it.
So, the plan became that when she started preschool, I would find a part-time job for sanity and finances. Well, I couldn’t find a job that would work for us, so I started to dabble on the Internet. I ran a wine-pairing site for a full year and I was really enjoying it and making a little money until it happened. My mother got sicker.
She has been sick her whole life. It started off with rheumatic fever when she was a girl and has ranged from gal bladder problems, to breast cancer to open-heart surgery. Then, she hit a bout of sickness that had her in and out of the hospital (3 times between Thanksgiving and Christmas). I finally said enough is enough and I took over. She needed care giving and I needed the money, so she became my part time job.
Balancing life as a wife/mother/caregiver has not been easy. Everyone has had to make adjustments. My mother had to give up her independence. My MiL watched my youngest when I had to take my mother to doctor’s appointments (at least once a week). My husband had to become increasingly supportive. And me…I had to learn how to relax.
Apparently, I had been so busy taking care of everyone else, I forgot to take care of me and my blood pressure skyrocketed. I learned to meditate and slow down. It is interestingly backwards. I told everyone that I had too much to do to slow down. However, if you slow down, you actually get more done. You live in the moment more and you make fewer mistakes so, you don’t have to backtrack as much. I haven’t mastered it yet but I work on it everyday.
So there you have it: how I got to where I am today. It has taken a lot of shuffling, a tremendous amount of organization and a lot of patience. Care giving can be paired with parenting, if all the pieces are in place.
Kudos to Susie for making tough situation into something that works for her family. That’s what it’s all about, right? Be sure to visit Susie’s Homemade for a taste of all things home.
I’m curious. Are any of my other readers sandwiched between parenting and taking care of your own parents? How do you make that work for your family?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I am curious if there are other sandwichers out there too:-)
Thanks again for the opportunity to share my story:-)
I’m not in this situation because, blessedly, my parents are both very healthy and only in their early 60′s. My mother, however, who has long since raised her own children, may well be taking care of my grandmother (her MIL) soon. There are many stages of care-giving and it is a blessing and calling to be able to do it… but also a lot of work. I tip my hat to Susie who juggles caring for both children and a parent simultaneously.
I’m not in that sandwich position yet, but beginning next month I will be both stay-at-home-mom to my son and a caregiver to my husband’s great uncle Frank.
Both 3-year-old Jeremy and 87-year-old Frank have been spending time in California while we moved and set up our new home. Now that we’re all set up, both of them will be coming home to us in October.
I have to say, it’s been quite helpful not to have those two underfoot while we figure out a new state as well as traverse this first couple of months of pregnancy.
I have not been in that position with my parents but have had to help care for my grandmother. It is a tough job! My husband and I have discussed the what if’s on this matter and we are not exactly sure what we do. Kudos to Susie for doing that, being in nursing for a long time I know how hard it can be!
For me, it was the other way around. My parents were caring for my 85 year old aunt who has severe memory loss due to dementia. They needed respite so my husband and I took my aunt in and cared for her. I went part-time at my job and quickly realized that she needed full time care. So I quit. I was at a point in my career where I was sure to advance but, I still quit. None of my coworkers could believe or support the choice that I made. I got a lot of confused questions. They even offered to hold my job. I learned a LOT of patience in the 3 years she was with us. I learned how to be a housewife. How to make the most of being home, I also learned that I wanted a family and didn’t have that strange adjustment period that many new mothers go through in coming home. So now, 7 years later, I have two wonderful preschoolers who I stay home with and plan to stay home forever at this point. I’m grateful every day for this opportunity.
@Liz, I forgot to mention that my hubby’s 87yo grandmother just moved in next door so I will be “helping” her out now. She’s very healthy and has her wits about her so, it won’t be anything like caring for my great-aunt who needed help with everything from dressing, to eating and toileting. I do realize that grandma’s health will eventually fail but, who knows, right? No sense worrying about the future. Things will work out and it really is a gift to be able to care for a loved one. It really struck me in caring for my aunt how unrewarding it can be in the moment. She needed SO MUCH care and she didn’t know enough anymore to even be grateful. Unlike kids, she never learned or got better or grew. A lot of times, the doctors visits and little things just seemed fruitless. We tried to focus on good times and are always glad for the holidays we had together and the laughs. The weird things like her busting into our bedroom and turning on the lights at 3 in the morning and saying she’s late for work or always taking my hubby’s underwear out of the laundry. I think the experience helps me appreciate my kids more. I do think also that the rewards of caring for her were awesome, they just weren’t immediately apparent. Not as obvious as with kids but, very worthwhile.
Great post. We are not in that position yet. But we have realized recently that we might be soon and unfortunately our parents are all in CO and we are in OH. Dh’s parents are in their late 60′s and his dad had a minor stroke last week. He had a clot in his knee that he threw causing the stroke. He seems to be fine now, but it scared us. We have decided to bump up our emergency fund by a couple of thousand to cover any unexpected trips back west if needed. We want to be there if our parents need us and it might be sooner rather than later, although I hope not.
Not there yet, but will be very soon with dh’s parents I think. They are 74 and 69 and seem to be slowing down these days. We’re seeing what we think might be early signs of alzheimer’s in FIL and MIL just had a bad bout with a blood clot in her leg last year. It’s only a matter of time.
I was born to my parents when they were later in life, so I did take care of them when they both became ill. My parents also took care of my maternal grandmother when I was a young girl and my great aunt (gma’s sister) lived with us for my entire life and then she lived with me after my parents passed until her death at age 86. Caregiving is tough work physically and emotionally, but so worth it in my opinion. Nursing homes were just not the right option for us, plus these are the people who raised, nutured and cared for us until adulthood and beyond. We feel it’s a blessing to be able to do this for our parents. Not for everyone, though. Like I said, extremely hard work.
Wow. Truly sacrificial living. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’m certain that there is a special place in heaven for those of you who lovingly care for your older family members in difficult circumstances. Blessings to you!
I can relate, but on a much shorter time-frame. I quit working to stay home full-time in June of ’06. The following fall, in October ’07, my 79 year old father had an extended illness. The following Spring (’08) he had open heart surgery and a difficult recovery. Then in Fall ’08 he had a stroke was hospitalized and then a few weeks later had another stroke. He spent 5 weeks in 3 different hospitals before he passed away in mid-November. I have never been so grateful that I didn’t have a full-time job to worry about as I was during those weeks when he was in the hospital. My sister or I went to the hospital every day to be with him and talk to the doctors and nurses about his current condition. In the 5 weeks he was in the hospital he changed rooms (including the ER where he went originally) 9 times. Nine sets of nurses, nurses aides, procedures, etc. to learn his history, his needs, his preferences.
It was exhausting. But I am SOOOOO glad I was home to be able to be with him. I have no real regrets about that time period.
I wanted to move home when my dad was sick and help my mom take care of him but he insisted that I stay in Dallas. He wanted me to live my own life, which I’m grateful for. If my mom wouldn’t have been there or had been unable to care for him that would have been a whole different story.
Has anyone seen One True Thing with Renee Zelleweger and Meryl Streep? It’s my favorite – the daughter (Renee) moves home to take care of her mom who has cancer (Meryl). If you haven’t seen it, it’s must.
I haven’t seen that movie. I think I stayed away from it on purpose but now that I have this cargiving thing under control, I may be able to enjoy it for what it was intended.
I can very much relate to this post. I have cared for my 74 yo mother for the past 3 yrs even though she stays in her own apartment to allow her to have some independence. I work fulltime and have a family. All I can say is that it’s extremely exhausting. I would love to stop working to take care of everyones needs…unfortunately my dh got laid off in the spring from his teaching job and I am the sole provider…
@stacy, I can’t fathom. How tiring and frustrating for you and your family. Your family is blessed to have you!