It would be unfair and unreasonable to discuss infertility issues without considering the heartbreak of women who have suffered from miscarriage. I know. I am one of them.
We miscarried our second baby at 11 weeks. Just under 2 weeks after telling everyone that we were expecting, which is one of the reasons that we have since waited until the second trimester to share good news. That is, of course, a very personal decision, but for us the telling and then retelling was nearly too much to bear.
The pain of our miscarriage was buffered slightly by snuggles and lots of lovin’ from our then 11-month-old. I am thankful to this day that if I had to miscarry, it did not come on the heels of 3 years of infertility. We were devastated, yes, but I can’t begin to imagine the hurt of women who have yet to hold any of their babies in their arms.
Jackie knows the pain of miscarriage, also. Sharing her story takes courage, and I thank her for ministering to all of us. It’s hard to bring those emotions back to the surface, but I’m certain that there are lessons in her story that we need to read.
…When I was pregnant for the first time I remember reading about miscarriage. I knew it happened, but never thought it would happen to me. It happened to other people, people who must have done something “wrong” during their pregnancy. People to feel sorry for, but not people like me…
…When I miscarried at 12 weeks, I was devastated. However, having had one successful pregnancy made me hopeful for another baby. When our third pregnancy again ended in miscarriage at 10 ½ weeks, I started to wonder if we would be able to have a house full of children like we had dreamed…
…Whether a person has struggled with infertility, miscarriage, or lost a baby at any age they know pain and heartbreak. It should never be about who has suffered more, but about how we can help each other and pray for each other. Dealing with the losses has shaped me into the mother and person I am today…
There’s so much to Jackie’s miscarriage story. Please visit her blog to read more.
Later this week I’ll be publishing a post on how to care for someone who has had or is having a miscarriage. If you’ve ever ministered to or received care in this way, please let us know what was most helpful to you!
A dear friend of mine just miscarried 16 weeks in to her fourth pregnancy. She has three children and never had any issues during pregnancy so it came as a huge shock to her. When she called to tell me, I had absolutely no idea what to say or do. I just sat on the phone with her (we are thousands of miles apart) and cried. I look forward to your post on what I can do for her!
My husband and I have been unable to carry a baby to full term for 12 years. It is impossible to relay the things that the Lord has done to my heart in those 12 years, however, I understand Him more and long to be with Him in heaven because of the things that He has sovereignly placed in my life.
Thank you for the post.
One of the things that was most helpful to me during this time was just having someone to listen to the things that were going on in my heart. There are usually no words when someone has experienced this kind of discouragement; it takes time to process everything. Weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who recoice is very helpful.
It also helped to hear from people who had gone through a similar situation as they were able to offer wisdom and encouragement.
I lost a baby in Feb. 2004. I was 10 weeks along in my pregnancy with a seven month old. My heart ached, but, aside from my husband, was not surrounded by the most supportive environment. My family lives overseas, and we were on staff at a church. It was an extremely lonely season. I think all I really wanted/needed was a hug, an empathetic ear and permission to grieve. We ended up conceiving a few months later, and our second daughter was born Feb. 8, 2005. She is our precious joy that followed a night of mourning.
I myself have had two miscarriages, between having three children. Both times it was heartbreaking! No one but another woman who has also gone through it can understand how you feel. I have always found that the best way to minister to a fellow woman is just to listen! Don’t relate your story – most of the time that isn’t what they want to hear! Be supportive and don’t offer empty condolences. Above all – Be Sincere! This is one of the most private and emotionally draining things that a women can go through.
I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy at 9 weeks. The best thing people did was to talk with me, although few did. It seems there are a lot of women I’ve come to know who’ve had miscarriages and few people took time just to sit and listen to them or people ignored them because they didn’t know what to say.
Saying something is better than keeping silent.
I always dreamed of a large family – but my dreams of having a large family on earth have since been completely yielded to the Lord. My husband and I have been been blessed with 3 children on earth and 10 in Heaven with the Lord. I have never had very good encouragement. Most of the time my pain has been my own. I have only had 1 person who has ever really encouraged me. Friends, family and people at church have said some of the nastiest – meanest things. Including – it is probably best since your kids would have been so close in age (that came from my “christian” grandmother).
God is good. I am so grateful for a Bible study I went through after the second baby went to be with the Lord. It helped me let go and completely trust the Lord – and not grow bitter or angry.
There are many days that are painful. And no one around me understands, but I rest in knowing that one day I will see and play with my little ones. I love Fanny Crosby’s song, Safe in the Arms of Jesus.
Wow. Can’t imagine your pain. So sad that people really don’t know what to say or do.
I wrote a miscarriage mini-series last spring. If there is anything of use to you, you’re welcome to borrow it. Miscarriage was one of the worst things I have ever experienced; but also one of the best. God used it to accomplish a work in me (and for the benefit of others!) that couldn’t have been done any other way.
I praise Him for giving me Isaiah, and for taking him away.
I had a new dr and had seen him once. We had two daughters and I was just getting excited about having a new baby. I started spotting and bleeding. I called and the dr called me back. He said the best two things I think I could hear at those moments – there was nothing I had done to cause this and there was nothing I could do to stop it, he didn’t know if indeed I was having a miscarriage but most likely I was. I thought I was too far along (almost 13 weeks, that magical “time”).
I think it’s hard to catch someone in the midst of a miscarriage, people came out of the woodworks afterwards. We didn’t know if a D&C was the right choice, we wanted to be good Christians and relunctantly made the choice for one. Afterwards, we found out most people had one too. I wish women would talk about that aspect – D&C is not always an abortion.
@Need A Nap2, I agree–we have a lot of friends and family members who’ve suffered miscarriages, and many of them needed D & Cs afterwards. It made me sad that quite a few of them felt they couldn’t reveal that detail to their church families because so many people hear “D & C” and just think “abortion.” Once a miscarriage has occurred, a woman’s body isn’t always able to deliver the baby and placenta (if one has formed)–a D & C helps ensure that she won’t experience a life-threatening infection as a result.
(Oh, sorry forgot it was summer 2004.)
I came over via Money Saving Mom, it’s nice to know we’re not the only ones living on a smaller income!
I lost my first baby at 8 weeks. My husband was my greatest source of earthly support. It also helped that many, many couples of all ages shared with us that they had gone through the same thing. We felt less alone with this knowledge.
One kind lady in particular sent me a card of comfort and said that, at the time of their loss, her husband had told her that good comes even from such sadness in that they would be able to understand and help others deal with loss in the future. We now feel the same way. God is good, and he cares for us!
On the flip side, I was not personally comforted by comments to the effect of, “Well, at least now you know you can get pregnant.” It’s not about getting pregnant (though that is a vital step), it’s about having a child! We also got a lot of, “There will be other babies…”. But sometimes there aren’t, and I sometimes wanted to yell, “How do you know?!”. I know that those who say these things mean well, but I did not personally find much consolation in such statements.
I try to remember though that everyone is different, and the most universally helpful thing that I have learned in ministering to grieving families is to let their behavior be my guide. I make sure they know that I love them, God loves them, and they will get through this, and then, I shut up. If they want to talk, I listen. If they don’t, which I must say is rare, I back off and pray.
Also, lifting the physical load of cooking, cleaning, caring for other children can be a great blessing to these families, but few will ask for help, so I try to offer specific rather than general assistance. Like, “When can I bring over dinner?” rather than just, “What can I do?”
Thank you for doing this series! I’m 8 months pregnant with our third little girl now and enjoy your blog enormously!
I am happy that your number 3 is on the way.
My wife miscarried twice until the third time was a charm. For those of us who are sensitive caring guys, the loss is felt by us as well. The only people who were able to say anything comforting were those who went through it as well. The neighbor with 3 kids is just likely to put a foot in his/her mouth. It’s a tough thing, and people don’t always know how to offer support.
I miscarried las june. I had always heard that there are so many women that miscarry and they didn’t even know they were pregnant. We had just found out, so we had only told our parents so far. I miscarried in the morning after my hubby went to work, so I was home with 3 kids by myself. So we went to the market of all things! I nearly passed out in the check out line.
Some how I assumed that since it was so early and also so common, that my body would just go back to being normal.
Emotionally I thought I was okay, too, but I waited until I was more than 4 months pregnant, this october before I would even take a pregnancy test. Like somehow not knowing was protection against it happening again.
onths before all of this I had had a conversation with an older lady from our church, and she shared about her disappointment in only being able to have one baby, since she loved babies so much. But she had had so many miscarriages and know couldn’t get pregnant any more. Her consolation was that in heaven there were going to be so many babies that will need to be rocked and loved.
Somehow that was one of the biggest comforts to me, too. That when Christ comes, no matter how old I am, I will have a baby that needs a mommy.
I had a really loving community of people around me when I miscarried. They took the kids, made us meals and grieved with us. I think that was the most important thing, to know that other people cared about this child too.
The woman in our circle who had lost a child advised me to name it and say goodbye. SO we brought a bunch of balloons to our small group and one by one let them go as we whispered farewell to Shiloh.
Later it turned out I wasn’t completely done and the OB found what was left caught in my cervix. I didn’t need a D & C. We buried the remains and made a paving stone in the garden to mark the place.
I think all these things helped ma lot.
Now I make a point to let a woman who miscarried know that it’s good to grieve, that it will get easier over time, but not to be upset if grief returns at odd times, and to let her know she is loved and doesn’t grieve alone.
I have two beautiful children, Emma, 11 and Cameron, 8. Emma was conceived after 2 devastating miscarriages. My doctor sent me for blood work and confirmed what she suspected: that I have anticardiolipin antibody syndrome. In lay terms, my blood was clotting in the tiny vessels of the placenta and killing the fetus. Before the blood tests confirming the third pregnancy even came back, my doctor prescribed heparin and baby aspirin. Heparin is a blood thinner that had to be given via injection twice a day, in the stomach for the duration of my pregnancy. Eight months later, Emma entered the world, perfect, healthy and wonderful!
So, I thought it would be smooth sailing when we were planning our second child. Thankfully, I’m one of those hyperfertile women who gets pregnant if I share soap or a glass with my husband. So, when Emma was 10 months old, I got pregnant again. I began my heparin injections and sat back to enjoy my pregnancy, which I never got to do with my pregnancy with Emma since I was so vigilant due to the previous miscarriages. I thought all my problems were solved and the heparin was my magic bullet. But no. At about 7 weeks I started to bleed and I lost the pregnancy. And then it happened again. And again. And again. Four more miscarriages in less than a year. I was finally diagnosed with antithyroid antibodies, which were attacking the fetus as if it was a foreign body or germ. So, I had my thyroid removed. Just a few weeks later, I got pregnant with my precious Cameron.
I hated the looks of pity I would get when I would tell of my latest miscarriage. I hated when family and friends would try and make suggestions of any kind. I hated when my sister-in-law (who didn’t graduate at the top of her charm school class) suggested to me that I stop getting pregnant at all, that I should be more considerate about the pain that it causes the rest of the family. That if we wanted another child, we should just adopt. Just hold my hand, let me cry, and be there with a good crumb cake and a cup of decaf tea. That’s all I wanted.
All I wanted was to be held by my husband, have him tell me he loved me and our love would prevail and we’d be okay. But that didn’t happen either. Which I guess is the reason why we’re separating now, but that’s another story.
Today, I look at my amazing children and just marvel at them. Emma is an amazing athlete who you may see one day in the Olympics as a figure skater, and she’s at the top of her class in every subject. Cameron is literally a genius and I don’t doubt that he will make a major impact on the world however he sees fit. So, when I look a these incredible children, I am so thankful…yes, thankful, that I was made to endure the loss of my pregnancies. It was a trial by fire. But I believe they were the souls that were waiting for me, and I for them. I had to wait for them to find me. I never dwelled on my miscarriages. I would not have the amazing children I have because of them. I would not be the appreciative mother that I am because of them. I would not have paid attention to every little move they made and revel in every moment of their discovery of the world around them without the hardships I had to endure for them.
I have followed your blog for so long now but have never left a comment. Reading about infertility and miscarriage has really brought back a painful part of my life. As I read though, I am so thankful for where I am now.
My husband and I married when he was 34 and I was 29. We knew we wanted a family and did not have time on our sides. In the fall of 2001, we suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks. We too had just told every ne our news. But I was thankful to have everyone’s support. Six months later, in 2002, we became pregnant again. I had really strange pregnancy tests and my doctor’s were convinced that I was not really pregnant. After a week of tests it was determined that I had an ectopic pregnancy on my right ovary. We suffered through months of tests and doctor’s visits. I had to take a shot to stop the growth on the ovary. It was strange to go to the dr. and hope to not be pregnant anymore. It was the longest year of my life. I am happy to say that God answered our prayers in a might way. We had boy #1 in 2003, boy #2 in 2005, and boy #3 in 2007. I never would have imagined that I would be the mother of 3 little boys in 4 years. We are blessed indeed! All the praise goes to HIM!
@Shelley Petro, Shelley, I just found out about two months ago that I have an ectopic pregnancy. I just want you to know that I can relate to months of tests and bloodwork. I am still going through that right now and looking forward to the end of this “non-pregnancy”. I’ve been given the shot and have had so much bloodwork that one would think I’m a junkie. It’s been a long couple of months. But I’m looking forward to a bright future and know that God is in control. Thank you for sharing.
So happy that things turned out beautifully for you! I’ve heard that ectopic pregnancies are scary and painful.
I miscarried my first pregnancy at 12 weeks. It was extremely difficult, but it was also so easy to see how God was blessing us to get through the experience.
I had been spotting for the few days before my first doctor’s visit, and an ultra-sound told us that it was already over. I remember that all the nurses and office staff, as well as the doctor himself, were so sympathetic. One nurse looked me right in the eyes and said, “You didn’t do anything that made this happen,” and I didn’t feel any reason to doubt her. I felt like God was communicating the same message to me, through her.
My husband’s parents were out of town and we couldn’t contact them during that entire week. But we found out later that during some of the most difficult hours my mother-in-law had a feeling that she needed to pray for us.
It seemed like everyone already knew about our pregnancy, and it was so hard to tell someone in person about the miscarriage. They never knew what to say, and it sometimes felt awkward. There were a few moments, though, when someone would just cry with me, or put their hand on my hand, and I could just feel that they were sorry and that they loved me. Other people wrote notes or cards, maybe not even about the miscarriage, but just letting me know that they appreciated me and my husband.
My husband ran into some of our neighbors a week after the miscarriage and they said, “We heard what happened. We’re so sorry. We’ve been praying for you so much.” He could only reply, “We know! We felt your prayers. They’ve helped us so much.”
Another friend had miscarried a few months before, and I remember that she came to visit me and ended up talking the whole time about her own miscarriage and how she felt about it. But I didn’t mind at all. I knew that it was good for her to share her experience with someone. To this day, I think that God allowed me to have that miscarriage so that I could understand her better, and understand better every woman who has felt disappointment along the path to becoming a mother.
I think sharing our stories with each other is healing, too.
My husband and I tried for several years. We finally got pregnant in the summer of 2004. I was so excited. I even ran down to a local Dr.’s office to have a blood test just to be sure. It even came back positive. My body began to grow and showed all the symptoms of pregnancy. And, I told everyone right away. When I was almost 12 weeks, I had my first appointment at a birth center (this wouldn’t have been caught sooner). By that time, they should have heard the heartbeat. When the midwife listened, there was no heartbeat. She took me upstairs and attempted to do a sonogram with an older machine. She seemed concerned. I got really scared. The Sonographer was coming in after lunch, so she asked that I come back in a few hours. Those few hours were awful, I was scared, and I didn’t know what to think. We came back to the birthcenter and the sonographer did the sonogram with a newer machine. I saw it with my own eyes. The sac had formed, but it was emply. I had a blighted ovum. Basically, your body becomes pregnant, but the baby that should have been growning either dissolves or never grows. Your body totally acts pregnant. I was supposed to hear my baby’s heartbeat that day, but instead I drove an 1 1/2 hours home with sorrow. I was told that women usually miscarry this sac around 12 weeks. What that tells me is that alot of women might have a blighted ovum and never know. Their first appointment is much earlier than mine & they wouldn’t have heard the heartbeat. Then, by the time they come back for their second appt., they have already miscarried. As you all know, as far as I am concerned I was pregnant! I had to drive home knowing that sometime over the next few days my body would miscarry, and I would have to go through it. I dropped my husband at home and drove straight to my church. Nobody could do anything for me. I was filled with such agonizing sorrow. I turned some music on in the sanctuary and just layed on the front steps of the alter. I poured my heart out to God. I had never been so broken! Even in the midst of this horrific news, I was asking Him to do a miracle and form a baby in that sac. I know with Him anything is possible, and I wanted to make sure and believe. That day I asked Him for 3 things. I asked for His Love, His Peace, and His Joy b/c I knew I would need those things to get through this. And, He did it! Even when we are at church now and that same song that was playing comes on, I just break down. But, it is partly out of joy b/c His promise has been fulfilled b/c I now have 2 kiddos. The song goes like this:
Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will roar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father, You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
I hope this encourages someone out there. Try your best to never blame God either. He isn’t the one who brings this on, but He will use it to teach you things. I did have to go through the pain of miscarrying, but going through all of this was one of my MOST INTIMATE times spent with Jesus. He carried me through when no one else could do anything to help. Be blessed and may the Giver of Life bless all of those who wish to be parents out there whether it is the first time or the seventh!
One more thing…when I got pregnant with my 2 children, each time I went at around 8 weeks to have a sonogram just so I could see their little heartbeat. You might have to ask around…certain machines can do this b/c they are newer and better. I had this done before I would tell everyone I was pregnant. It is awful to go through a miscarriage, and then have people months later come up and say, “well, you aren’t even showing a bit!” You have one of those big breakdowns.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. What a difficult time!
6mnths after going off contraception i conceived to our second child,my husband and i were pleasantly surprised as our son was 5yrs old than,i was so happy i couldnt keep still,was up at the crack of dawn cooking porridge,baking muffins late at night.Than at 10weeks i woke up in a pool of blood,it was devastating,i remember weeping with my husband and son and missing my lost child.From than i was obsessed with getting pregnant again,thankfully 4mnths later i conceived again,went on to have a lovely baby boy.20mnths later i had our third son.God is awesome and we feel so blessed.Miscarriage is natural-its not anybodys fault.
Amy, I was just reading back over your post about miscarriage after you linked to it today! We had a miscarriage about a year ago, three months latter I was pregnant again. In June our baby boy was delivered 13 weeks early. Due to a sever genetic disorder he was just with us for 4 short precious days.
It was the Lord who saw us through this new hard road that we were walking. He carried us through each moment. It is through trials like this though that the Lord also brings blessing. Through our son’s death the Lord has opened up wonderful outreach to us, 4 Days To Eternity (4daystoeternity.blogspot.com). Through this new outreach war are able to reach out to others in their time of loss.
Thank you so much for posting on miscarriage! There are so many hurting parents who need to know that they are not alone and that there are others who understand what they are going through. They need to know that even if their baby lived a short life or only in the womb, they are safe in heaven.
In Him, Anna
It’s so hard to respond to comments like this. My heart breaks for you and I have no words… I am blessed by your joyful spirit. {virtual hug}
Thank you for these posts about miscarriage. I just had my first miscarriage (December 19), which would have been our third child. I was only 7 weeks pregnant and we were still getting used to the idea and deciding whether or not to tell our parents. I have not really told anyone besides our parents about the miscarriage. But it is good to see that so many others have been through it. It’s a very common thing, but not as commonly discussed as other pregnancy topics. It has been very comforting to have my other two children to hold at this time. Thank you again for sharing.
Awww, I’m so sorry for your loss, and at a rough time of year, too! I haven’t made it public, but we had our second miscarriage (7 weeks, also) in November. Such a difficult time, but you’re right… we are not alone! And also, clinging to the children in our arms does bring comfort.